I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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