fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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