How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
