I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
