I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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