I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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