my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
