Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize