I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
