JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
