Tell her she can't have a vagina
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
