You smell like a Billy Joel song
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
