I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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