Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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