i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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