Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize