why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize