my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
