i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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