Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
