the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
