Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
ugly people sure do ruin things
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
