you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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