Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
