This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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