the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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