I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
