I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
