Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
