Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You don't make any sense
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