At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
