How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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