i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
