I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
