Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
