my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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