I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
