So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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