Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
