I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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