R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My vagina is very pro this idea
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
