I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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