Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
