i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
