I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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