hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
