you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
