there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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