Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
