what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
