Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
