Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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