Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
