If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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