Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
