Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
