I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
